Here I am, sitting in the good old Anna Centenary Library again. I have been posted to a village called Sirwar, near Raichur, in Karnataka for my 3rd branch training. I have taken the week off and am trying to get back in touch with studying. In the mainframe of my mind, from the far left corner, economic survey is staring back at me with apathy. In the centre, the incredibly hot and arid village of Sirwar is looming before me, right beside the economic survey. To the right, nudging Sirwar and Survey coercively is a face - the learned, judging, no-bullshit face of Dr. Purushottam Agarwal - the man who presided over my half-an-hour long Civil Service interview.
Future beckons, it has been beckoning for quite a few months now. Destiny awaits, without hurry and with no hesitation. And life moves forward. Ever so coolly. Ever so unfailingly. All the decisions that have to be taken are coming close with their own deadlines to a not-yet-ready/just-getting-ready mind, just like our underdeveloped/developing country's dozens of flagship programs.
I'm standing, yet again, at crossroads of life. I have to, yet again, make a decision. It seems I keep coming at crossroads every three months in my life. The question is - am I progressing or am I just running in circles? Fuck it, I'm okay with crossroads nowadays.
What do I feel now? I feel at peace but there is also a can't-be-bothered feeling. Solace is there, yes, but not certainty. Rest is there, but I don't feel any leisure. There is fun but no madness. There is hunger, but no craving. Appy is there, but there is no fizz.
The date of results is coming close, so is the date of the next preliminary exam.
There is this blanket of numbing relaxation I feel and I'm not sure if it is complacency or weariness. Or something else. But I feel love, for the people around me. I feel satisfied about the way things are unwinding or winding up. And I'm blogging, just for the sake of blogging, just to put my thoughts out there, in the chaotic temporariness and small permanence of the blogosphere.
On my inebriated psychological behalf,
I'm secretly whispering my sign off,
With a careless, tranquil high,
and a comatose, chilled Goodbye.
