My war cry - 'seri seri'!

Timing is the strong suit of the funny-type. Especially when the 'being funny' part hangs on a punchline or a well used verse. It all hangs on hitting it at the right moment. It'd help then if you can float like a butterfly through all the conversation and at the right moment tickle like a feather. If you get the timing wrong, instead of a feathery tickle, the punchline might sting like a bee. And wasn't there this wise guy who wrote 1330 couplets and in his 129th said - A fella'd forgive a timely punch but not an unsolicited punchline? .

And if you're daring enough to start narrating a cliched storyline and a familiar endline to a repeat audience and still expect them not to sigh or yawn (which is like balancing a Yokozuna and Keira Kneightley on a see-saw), then the result hangs, overwhelmingly, on getting the timing absolutely right.

So one of my very standard dialogues is 'seri seri' - meaning 'okay okay'. This is the deadly sword that nips a boring narration at the bud. The most important aspect of using this weapon is to sense and seize that perfect moment when its effect will be most lethal. Let's understand with an example. Suppose a friend Mr.X usually talks much, and the talk is often self-absorbed, it means it's time you start honing your weapon for he's the right kind of prey. When he starts stuff like 'When I went to Bangalore on my', just grab the moment when he pauses to take a breath or recollect things and use your weapon - say 'seri seri, let's go get coffee.' With the right timing, he'd be flustered, angry because he really wants to say it but you have cut him abruptly but not rudely. Job done. He'd just have to catch his tongue, stem the flow of words and swallow the boring story. You have just succeeded in making him swallow his own bitter boring pill. Of course he'd give you a look which would make you feel as if your sorry arse has been incinerated deep down the ground and is writhing in agony. But hey, you'll also feel the brimming satisfaction of stopping a boring story and saving your fellow mates from a tiring half hour. The next time some wearisome storyteller appears on the scene, your companions would look at you, achingly, filled with hope, for you to wear your shining armour, yell seri seri and save them from the depths of an ultimate drag. But remember, it all hangs on getting the timing right. If you're a moment late, your voice gets drowned in his chatter, a moment early and you appear like a rude fool. Timing, guys, is of essence.

One war cry for all blasphemous borers - simple, effective and artful. Seri seri - enough is enough.

The Traffic Police Transformation Front - Radical Wing!

A few days ago, I was witness to this rather unusual incident in my neighbourhood.

A traffic police distributing pamphlets to motorists. The pamphlet had a list of things to follow while driving. The initiative was part of the road safety day program conducted by the area's Lion's club. There were some school kids and adults volunteering for the activity. In a place where government officials are seldom pro-active, this was a pleasant and mildly amusing sight. As a mark of respect to this club, cop and kids, I wear my helmet each and every day now (though I smuggle my ipod into my ears through the helmet-head boundary. But hey, songs are my only respite while driving in the peak hour rush amidst choked roads, blaring horns and blazing sun.)

Thanks to this incident, I've come up with a set of suggestions on how we can transform the role and image of our city's traffic cops from uncompromising vasool-rajas to stylish and accommodating Major Mannars.

No more traffic cops! Instead Chennai City will have a set of Transport Facilitation Teams. There'll be 17 such teams to cover the 176 sq.km area of the city. So each team gets approximately 10 sq.km of jurisdiction.

Each team will consist of 10 members and their roles will be divided thus:

1. A rocket riders squad - 4 members. These guys/girls will be daredevil cops and would keep patrolling their jurisdiction constantly. In the city's arterial lanes such as GST road, NH road, Arcot Road, there'll be freelancers to assist them (illegal racers and efficient youth can be employed for this). This might also generate part time employment and provide a good avenue for many amazing young riders in the city who find professional racing a costly affair. The rocket riders will chase rash drivers and drunkards and punish them on the spot. This means that they'll be some sort of white knights in an Apache and not the paunchy traditional nose-picking nitwits.

2. Sara Vedi Sirs: 2 members. They are in-charge of complete monitoring and they communicate with the rocket riders and keep informing them as to what is going on around them based in their video surveillance in crucial junctions. They also take care of emergency calls, forward calls to ambulance and act as the big brothers of the traffic scene in their jurisdiction.

3. Mathaappu monks: 2 members. They form the Research and cultural wing of the team. They bring in new ideas to regulate traffic, innovative activities to engage motorists and make their travel tolerable. They also initiate awareness campaigns and bring in an element of fun to the whole scene. During peak hours, they make announcements in crowded spots to aid Sara Vedi Sirs and Rocket Riders.

4. Bijli Vedi Boy and Atom Bomb Uncle: While Bijli Vedi Boy is a mechanic who takes care of problems in signals, CCTVs and also keeps the bikes of the rocket riders and others in fine tune, Atom Bomb Uncle is a construction guy who takes immediate care of minor road problems, ditches, putting in new speed breakers and the sort.

There'll be awards for the best maintained jurisdiction for which a gold rimmed cap would be given to the Officers of the particular team. So hopefully there'll be healthy competition among the 17 teams and the deserved winner will patrol his area proudly with his gold rimmed cap.

This set up would also change the minds of Chennai's commuters. The curse-at-sight & fine-at-sight interaction would give way to mutual understanding and respect for road rules. The traffic cops too wouldn't anymore be sluggish sloths but stylish municipal stars.

Instrument of Instructions (The background of the scene, a concept similar to the directive principles of the Indian Constitution, which was borrowed from the Irish, who in turn took it from the Spanish): Attention should be given to recruitment. For instance, daredevil yet responsible riders for the Rocket team, mature and analytical guys as Sara Vedi Sirs, humorous and pro-active guys as Mathaappu Monks, efficient and active guys as Atom Bomb Uncle and Bijli Vedi Boy would make the Transport Facilitation Team a grand successful combo.

Signing off here is Agarbatti administrator - Shyam.

Pani puriye sivam

Pani puri is divine. Among all the celestial chaats found in the universe, Pani puri reigns supreme. Made up of that crunchy crispy crust, a delicious potato mash mantle and a tangy, hot pani core, this chatpata explosion will rock your palette and will mutate your sense of taste forever. If you believe in the holy powers of Pani puri and hail HIM to be the supreme prophet to have ever come into the world and frequently visit any of HIS places of worship (I'm a regular at the Pani puri shrine in Nungambakam High Road outside Karishma sarees showroom, Chennai), then you're in the right path that leads to Nirvana. That fuzzy halo which comes around your head when you munch on the golgappas would one day turn bright and lead you to enlightenment. I do strongly recommend all the devotees in Chennai to take a weekly pilgrimage to the Nungambakam High Road shrine.

While it is acceptable to pay your obeisance to HIS cousins bhel puri and dahi puri, do not ever incur the wrath of the Almighty by favouring the Satan trinity of Caesar salad, Arugampul juice (Bermuda grass extract) and Protein shake.

Remember also to chant this secret prayer once a day, O' faithful ones:

Golgappaooo akbar illahee,
Protein shakeee-il-shaithaan;
Pani puryaha kamal hassan shivam,
Arugampullaha nasser rakshas;
Watery Indian Bread, hallowed be thy name,
Caesar salad shall thee burn in hell.

...Amen... (open your mouth wide like eating a pani puri while doing this!)

I hereby also call upon my faithful brothers and sisters who worship HIM in varied incarnations such as Pani puri, golgappa, phuchka, gup chup, watery indian bread, crisp sphere eaten etc., to unite and start a Jihad (for militants) or Satyagraha (fast by eating only pani puri until death, for moderates) and condemn all the faithless blackguard-ism in the world.