A bus journey gone awry!

(An imaginary account)

'Buffalo, pig, hippopotamus or a rhinoceros?' wondered Sekar. He was contemplating about the huge hairy figure sitting next to him wrapped in a silk saree. As was his habit, he often associated people with animals. He thought of his class teacher as a duck, his aunt as a fox and his schoolmate Swathi (on whom he had an abundant crush) as a peacock. But this old lady sitting next to him was huge, rude, smelly and disgusting. She was also putting vetti scene and frequently throwing off his ipod earplugs by shifting her extra large arse. So... a buffalo, pig, hippo or a rhino? Whatever she was, she had managed to become Sekar's arch-enemy in just 15 minutes. First she took his window seat and made him sit near the aisle. She didn't request for it, she just shoved and grinded her way through until she comfortably wedged herself into three quarters of the place and left Sekar dangling at the edge. When Sekar glared at her, she just said 'Show some courtesy boy, we old people suffer a lot.' Sekar gritted his teeth and adjusted his ipod. Soon he was contemplating if he could classify her as a skunk-cum-anteater. Yeah, with her protruding nose and revolting smell, this'd be reasonable, he thought. Right then there was a sudden jolt, the lady was asking the conductor with her Bose-speaker throat if he could play some movie in the TV. She paid for a video coach and she wanted some video. The bus was going to Bangalore and there was only one kannada movie disc available. 'Perfect' she said. Sekar sucked air through his teeth, then gritted them. The movie started. Slowly in a resigned fashion he removed his ipod as the kannada film was way too noisy to let him hear songs. The hero came in a car, wearing a three-piece suit and a pattaapatti (multi purpose boxer shorts). 'Ithu classu' he said, pointing at the suit, 'Ithu massu' he said pointing at his underwear. And then started hitting the bad guys. Sekar closed his eyes and tried to stay calm.

He started rehearsing his presentation for the 'Young scientist' competition. That was the reason he was traveling to Bangalore. He had come first in the state level meet for his 'Green chulha' model, a non-polluting chulha that would be cheap and would use firewood as fuel. He was going to Bangalore for the national meet. He checked under the seat where his mud chulha lay. He would stay calm, he would rehearse his lines and he would carefully leave with the model, no matter what the neighbouring wild animal did, he thought.

And then there was a vigorous shake. Sekar opened his eyes and looked around alarmed. He had just seen 'Engeyum eppodhum' movie which dealt with a bus accident and read about a landslide in Leh. As he looked around trying to figure out if it was an accident or an earthquake, he found the arch-fiend shaking with laughter, her eyes glued to the TV screen. Sekar looked at the TV. An aged comedian was giving a bikini-clad woman, some tennis lessons. The comedian had said he'd make the woman a Sania Sarza. Very funny. Sekar looked at the TV screen and then to the shaking boulder next to him. IT WAS GROSS. Crrrrunch. There was a sound and a spray. The giant lady was eating a pineappple. Just trying to squeeze two pieces in at once. So some juice sprayed into Sekar's white shirt. Then she ate some cucumbers. Then some chips and murukku. Sekar closed his eyes. The noise of the woman eating was like listening to King Kong fighting T Rex. Then, there was a different noise. Like a cloth getting torn. Sekar looked at the lady. The mountainous lady had let out a voluminous fart. Sekar was close to tears now. He was glaring at her very hard when the lady turned and spoke 'Old age, Gas trouble' she said. Sekar didn't know if he had to shut his eardrums or nostrils. He let out a deep breath and fought back the tears. Again, a sound as if a baby was blowing out candles in a birthday cake. One more fart. By now, Sekar was sure that he was in more agony than the victims of the Bhopal gas tragedy. He stood up and traveled standing for the remaining 4 hours. The Kannada hero was giving a lecture on girls and Indian culture, the giant lady was nodding in agreement and Sekar was telling himself that it'd all soon be over. Just a few more hours.

He stood and endured and waited patiently for Bangalore. And Bangalore did come. Eventually. And the woman got up. Sekar turned the other way. He felt that he'd start crying if he looked at her one more time. And there was a noise. Like a pot breaking. The chulha! Sekar turned immediately and looked under the seat. Half of the chulha was damaged. In the middle of the damaged portion was the leg of the rhino-lady. Sekar shivered with anger, tears rolled down his eyes but before he could begin to speak, the hippo-lady nudged him and went rolling out of the bus. Slowly the bus grew empty. Sekar just stood there. After a few minutes, he took up the broken pieces of the chulha, packed them crudely and walked out of the bus. RAKSHASI, he thought. He went to a nearby shop and got a water bottle. Just then, his mobile rang. It was his mom.

'Hello ma'

'Have you reached Bangalore Sekar?'

'Yes ma'

'Be careful pa. Are you alright? I just saw the astrologer, he scared me with some stories.'

'Ma, this is not the time for it.'

'This astrologer is very powerful da. He said before Karthikai deepam, you'll have a gandam (danger).'

'What gandam?'

'You'll be attacked by some dirty wild animal, it seems. He told me to donate 11 coconuts to the temple to avert any disaster. I just donated them and I called you to warn about this.'

'What wild animal? You mean...'

'He named some deadly animals da. Like a pig, buffalo, hippopotamus, rhinoceros.'


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